Baerstun Campaign Quotes

Some of the ridiculous things we've said – in and out of character.

(Note: when multiple people were involved, the quotes are attributed in the order that they were originally spoken)

  •  "A bunch of polymorphed wolves? No problem. Breakfast? I KILL YOU!" – JR summarizing Thea's trust issues 
  • Thea:  Who's tired of these Monkey-Fighting zombies in these Monday-to-Friday catacombs?
  • Dear Sir,
    In the course of our group storytelling adventure this past week, you made mention of the use of tilesets and other props in the construction of realistic DnD settings as posted by Mike Krahulik, of Penny Arcade. Accordingly, I have reviewed and been suitably impressed by his use of miniatures combined with actual mirrors, lasers, crystals, and spider webs. While the terrain thus produced is undeniably "cool," upon remembrance that our campaign is currently situated in a sewer, and that you have easy access to a two-year-old excrement production engine, I must in hindsight withdraw my support for three-dimensional tactical terrain building.

    Sincerely, Cerulean
  • Wenona:  I want an oracular, Oedipal duck
  • JR:  You detect no traps
  • Erica:  Somebody find that stout!
    David:  I think you mean Stoat.  You just told the dwarf to find beer.
  • Erica:  JR, I'd like to get this trash out tonight.
    JR:  OK, roll an athletics check.
    Erica:  …actually, I think you need to roll Diplomacy and I'll roll Intimidate.
  • Jenny:  You hit him so hard the DM died! 
  • Erica:  I don't think I want to extract anything from Jenny's pants, thanks.
  • Wenona:  Here's my thing.  Fuck it.
    Erica:  That's your thing?
    Wenona:  Yeah.
  • Noah:  100g is a big chunk of change.
    Wenona:  Yeah, but isn't 200 bigger?
  • JR:  She hands you a stack of linen and fucks off to nowhere
  • Wenona:  Attack of opportunity on the sludgebars!  Blaaaaah!
  • Wenona:  It is totally ok to lie to someone if you're trying to get a discount! 
  • Wenona:  We need a nap.  And more money.  And a nap.
  • Noah:  It's like the yak butter to your boysenberry jam.
  • Jenny (on anatomically correct chess pieces we decided not to use as miniatures):  Can you see that?  It's a penis.
  • David:  In my offhand I'm going to grab my sacred implement and…that's a miss.
  • JR:  So where are you staying?
    Brian:  I'm at the inn.  The dwarf one.  The…Golden Chin?
  • Wenona:  Ancient world DING!
  • JR:  Jenny, how many combats would you like to have in the River of Poo?
  • Jenny:  I don't think you can get turned to stone by licking a cockatrice
  • JR:  You detect no traps!
  • Noah:  You know, sometimes I like dumb ideas
  • JR:  Never leave your buddy's behind
  • Wenona:  Gelatinous Cube – the Ancient World Roomba
  • David:  I summon Greater Fish!
  • David:  Look, Thea! A bagel!
    Wenona:  RAAAAARGH!
  • David:  Terciel, you should try and get on his good side.  Say something nice about Melora.
    Jenny:  …Melora's cool?
    David:  …
    Jenny:  …really cool?
  • Erica and Jenny (to the tune of Time Warp):  Let's do the Stealth Check again!
  • JR:  Point of order, you guys don't actually know that they smell like bacon.
  • Wenona:  Maybe the blob and the tentacle monster fall in love!
    Jenny:  Thea, I didn't know you were an otaku.
    Erica: a taco?
  • Jenny:  Hirsute tuna can?  That's even worse than bacon zombie
  • Erica:  You break out a duck?
    JR:  You break out AND duck.
    Erica:  Ohhhhh…
  • JR:  So when your thing things, it thingies.
  • Noah:  OK, so I'm prone and ready to go.
    JR:  DING!
  • Jenny (after watching JR fit an entire peeled clementine in his mouth):  Oh my god, JR, you're the Fiona Yung of citrus!
  • Brian (after rolling a natural 20 on a bluff roll):  Wait, you mean I was telling the TRUTH?!
  • Jenny:  It's Shard and the Stealthettes!
  • JR:  You will take 4 damage for being yanked bodily off your feet and hung upside down.  You DETECT a TRAP.
  • JR:  You think I don't know that you're reading the Tool Tips?  Next time I'm just going to name them all Elder Green Dragon and watch you piss your pants
  • Erica:  Noah gives better than I do.
    JR:  I don't think so honey.
    Noah:  DING!
  • David:  Diminishing RATurns!
  • JR:  OK, so when Cory exposes himself to the rest of you, Noah waves some money around and beckons him back to the pole…arm.
    Noah:  So now we know what this spear is for.
  • Jenny:  Cory, you're standing in the only doorway and you're about to set rats on fire.  Rats HATE fire!
  • Noah:  Bite it, rat!  Bite my shiny metal ass!
  • JR:  Brian, doesn't your AoE target only friendlies?
    Everyone else:  WHA?!
  • JR:  I gotta take a pee break.
    Cory:  We broke the DM.
    Brian:  He's not broken, he's just leaking.
  • Cory:  I roll natural 20s against rat nests.
    Noah:  Brian rolls natural 20s against young priests.
  • JR:  OK, so roll me 4 more attacks and don't roll a 1.
    Erica:  …I rolled a 1.
  • JR:  How does Thea avoid being followed?
    Wenona:  I kill anybody trying to follow me.
  • Wenona:  Yeah, but everyone's diplomacy goes up just cause I'm here, so shut it!
  • Jenny:  We have a rat compass!
  • JR:  Relax, Noah just had to reach in through its axe hole
  • Wenona (to Shard):  Why are you so into our Box, man?
    David:  B/c he's straight.
  • Erica:  I'm going to suggest that we separate the prisoners from the Box now that they've humped it…and that is NOT what I meant…
    Everyoe else:  DING!
  • David:  She is Thea Bloodthirsty Cha-CHING! from the Clan Cha-CHING
  • Bree:  I'm an orc!
    JR:  Um, roll a bluff check.
  • JR:  Sr. Marina is carrying a fucking 4 inch thick shaft harpoon.
    Erica:  Yum.
    Cory:  Nice shaft.
    Sr. Marina:  Thanks, where's yours?
  • JR:  You traverse the sewers safely w/ou being followed or contracting any weird sewer diseases.
    Noah:  Except what Bree already had.
  • David:  Tarren the Transvest-Stoat!
  • David:  Pounds like a Slan.
    Erica:  Pounce like a slim?
    David:  No, but I probably did have a boyfriend like that once.
  • JR:  You detect…A TRAP!
  • Wenona:  Lemme tell you what Thea knows for sure – THEA SMASH
  • Noah:  It's not fun if the enemy's not hard.
    David:  I definitely had a boyfriend like that once.
    Everyone else:  DING!
  • Wenona:  I want to shift onto the gator's back.
    Cory:  You want to mount the gator?
  • Wenona:  Nearly dying is what Thea does.
  • Jenny (trying to get Ben to finish his dinner):  An Eladrin Fighter would poke his own nugget 
  • Cory:  I'm going to check for traps.  Um…10.
    JR:  You detect no traps.
    Cory:  Oh, and that was actually a natural 1.
    JR:  In that case, you detect a trap!
  • Cory:  I'd like to check the wooden door for mechanisms that could make it close on us.
    JR:  Sure, roll thievary.  Don't roll your third natural 1.
    Cory:  I rolled my third natural 1.
  • Noah:  What could possibly go wrong?
    David:  I can't believe you said that!
    Jenny:  Why don't you just pick up a duck?!
  • JR:  That jewel in his forehead is some sort of control device.
    Noah:  It's a wang?
  • JR:  He's got a HUGE…fortitude.
    David:  I definitely had a boyfriend like that once.
    Jenny:  Lucky you.
    David:  Fortitude wasn't what I was looking for.
    Noah:  Ding?  Maybe?  I'm not sure…

    …several DING quotes later…

  • JR:  You yank that thing right out of his forehead.
    Noah:  Oops.  You need to yank slower
    Wenona:  DING!
    Erica:  I'm behind on the ding quotes, you guys need to ding slower.
    Everyone else:  Meta DING!
  • JR:  Straw is not known for its ability to dodge fireballs
  • Erica:  Thea you have the job of chopping off his head because you have the axe…and anger issues
  • Wenona:  Thea's going to take a running jump onto his back and…I rolled a 1.
    JR:  You miss but you move one square so now you're adjacent to him.  Roll better.
    Wenona:  It's ok, it happens to everyone, let's just cuddle.
  • Noah:  Ball mouse is not my friend.
  • David (re: Tarin):  Burn him with the syphallas-like burning of doom!
  • Jenny:  Yeah, some guys do that.
    Wenona:  That's funny, b/c I made a dick joke earlier too!
  • Wenona:  And all the enemies have learned a valuable lesson – do NOT hit Thea with her own axe.
    JR:  Yeah, I'm never doing that again.
  • JR:  Thea, make a stealth check.
    Noah:  Um, she's on fire.
    Wenona:  I rolled a 10.
    Noah:  She's ON FIRE.
  • Noah:  Meet Thea's axe, it's called "Butterknife"
  • JR:  Grennac has a payroll list on him that basically names all the people you just killed, so that's sorta useless.
    Jenny:  Yeah, but at least now we know who they are!
    JR:  Yes, you have kicked ass and now you're taking names.
  • Jenny:  Hey, this isn't dyed, it's an actual purple feather, can someone see if it's magic?
    Noah (having rolled a 1):  I have no idea.
    JR:  It's the Philosopher's Stone!  You found it!
    Noah:  Egads!  Let me stuff it up my nose!
    Erica:  ::spit take::
  • Cory:  We got a boat!
    Noah:  Does Shard think we can all get out of here on it?
    JR:  It's a 5 passenger boat.
    Brian:  So…we need a bigger boat.
    JR:  Yes!  Thank you!
  • JR:  Erica, your "holding a bag up by the strings" gesture looks remarkably like a "holding a severed head up by the hair" gesture.
  • Illian:  Where did you spend the night?  Not in the sewers.
    Lenora:  Well, there's this warehouse.
    Illian:  Where house?
    Everyone else:  THERE house!
  • Rache:  Lenora, do you want to say anything to me in the shower?
    Everyone else:  Ding.
    Rache:  Well, she seems pissed at me and if she wants to go off on me I'll let her.
    Everyone else:  DING!!!
  • JR: OK, so Bree and Rache go down to Ozmund's shop,    it's down by the docks, and it's after dark
    Just two girls, going down to the docks, after dark
    Jenny: Oh, i hope someone tries somethingwith you, b/c you will blow them to bits!
    JR: For a small fee
    Noah: DING!
  • Cory: When the DM says "Are you feeling lucky, punk?" the answer is NO
    Jenny: You detect no punk
  • Terciel:  What year is it?  I just got here.
  • Terciel: Am i the only one in the room whose pants don't have a tail-hole?
    Bree: I don't have a tail-hole, I'm wearing a skirt
    Terciel: Which is basically one big tail-hole
    Everyone: um, wow, ding
    Cory:  Yeah, the more I think about that one, the better it gets
  • JR: You're going to shank the awesomest NPC I've ever come up with?!
    Jenny: It's not like we have to worry about being attacked by an accountant
    Erica: This accountant breathes fire!
    Accountant: That is a common misconception, not all Dragonborn breathe fire
    Erica: OK, what do you breathe?
    Accountant: Bubbles!
  • Cory:  Wait, she carries a pole-arm and it's a ruler?  Can we name it "Nine"?
    JR:  Well, it would be more like 99 or something
    Cory: I didn't specify units
    JR:  Hur, you said "unit"
  • Erica:  Your hideout is on The Clapper?
  • Shard:  They can handle themselves, boss
    David: Ding!
  • Shard:  A wiggins.  I has it.
  • Shard:  I'm assuming I don't have a direction on my wiggins?
    Jenny:  DING!
  • David:  Is it bigger than you thought, dear?  Wait, ding.
  • Erica:  Shard, I believe Bree has found your wiggins.  Wait!  I didn't meant that!
    Jenny:  Bree, please don't bring that back here so we can hit it with an axe.
    Cory:  What, what?!
the next few are from Noah's 2 session campaign while JR completed his Master's Degree

  • Erica:  I'm going to try to flirt some information out of a sailor
    Noah:  Roll Diplomacy
    Erica:  Not Bluff?  I'm not actually going to sleep with him for information
    Noah:  Right!  Bluff!  Go!
    Erica:  I rolled an 11
    Noah: The sailor yells across to his friend "Why do I always gotta get the ugly whores?"
    Erica:  aaaaand I stab him
    David:  I'm going to back up her roll with an Intimidate.  27.
    Noah:  He yells "Angry pimp!  Angry pimp!" and runs away
    Erica:  ::pouts::
  • Noah:  Erica, Lichna notices someone beckoning her over
    Erica:  OK, I'm going to jiggle over to him
    JR:  Is that your solution to everything?
    Erica:  It's what I do, I can't walk without jiggling!
  • Wenona: Besides, we have no idea what kind of bullshit we're in for when we get there.  And by "bullshit" I mean "fun"!
    Erica: We know
    David:  Well, Thea would mean "fun".  Orsik would mean "bullshit".
  • Noah: And as E falls to the ground, she shouts "Aaaaaaugh!"
  • Erica:  Lichna is going to run up to the priest and say "please please we have a friend who needs help"
    Noah: roll Diplomacy
    David:  Flash your tits at him and make it a streetwise check
    Erica: OK, I can't help the first part, and the second part DOESN'T HELP
  • Wenona: I'm just a humble sleepy grumpy dwarf
    Jenny:  Whether she's sleepy or grumpy, we need a Doc.  OH YEAH!!
back from the BEEEEACH!!!

  • Jenny: Terciel blows on the end of his bow.  Ooooo…
    Wenona: ding
  • Jenny: She has an axe, and you wouldn't like her when she's opportunistic
  • JR: And Rache does max damage to the Cursed Coissant
  • Jenny: Bree has always secretly been a velociraptor.  I can't believe you couldn't tell.
    JR:  You should see her Bluff check
  • Wenona:  I find that inanimate objects like to be roughed up
  • Jenny: Hey, it's a flaming skull!
    JR:  No, he's not flaming
    David:  He's just a little bit of a sissy
  • Jenny:  Him!  I'm a HIM!  I'm going to start wearing a strap-on on my head!
  • JRSNIKT!… wibble
  • David: Well, when all you have is a hammer…
    Wenona: You make hammeraid?
  • JR:  Dragon joke?  Funny?  Too soon?
    Jenny: No, not funny.  We don't have a plunger.  Haw can we fight a dragon without a plunger?
  • Bree: Do I have a live fire bat between my legs?
  • Wenona:  I bet it's a giant terrifying monkey and that's it's tail
  • JR: Darg, what's the radius on your, um…
    David:  Willie?
    JR: no
    Jenny:  Erica, to bring you up to speed, we're following Darg's willie
    JR: and my wife is stacked
    Erica: I have missed something here…
  • David:  Bree is our rope
  • Jenny:  Bree, lean thru the gate and cast light on any kidneys in the area
    Noah:  New spell!  Bree's Lit Kidney!
  • Noah:  Bree's going to do a what's-it'called, with the thingy
  • Shard:  I have beachfront property onthe River of Poo
  • JR:  Well, the goo monster was sort of a casserole
    Noah:  a casserole of EVIL
  • Erica:  We don't have a grenade, we have Bree
    Wenona: which is better
    Noah: I explode multiple times!
    Jenny:  Ding!
  • JR:  The current record for most enemies killed in a single round (not counting members of a swarm) stands at…23!
    Bree:  ::does victory dance::
  • EricaACTUALLY dead people?  Not post-dead?  That's new.
  • Jenny:  Yeah, but Shard, you're 18, looking at linoleum gives you a wiggins.
    Noah:  Yeah, but you should have seen what the linoleum was wearing.
    JR:  the linoleum was asking for it?
    Noah:  No!  Let's be clear.  The linoleum was hot and you are not a rapist.
  • Jenny:  Terciel is going to fire some arrows at him.  To nobody's surprise.
    JR:  I'm shocked and apalled!
    Wenona:  I'm shocked.
    Noah:  I'm Paul!
  • Erica:  Brian has a mercurial rod?
    Noah: Ding!
    David:  Sorry about that Becky.
  • Cory:  Does the vomit have an attack?
    Brian:  No, it's an AoE
    JR:  burst 1
  • David: Everything I do is radiant
    Wenona:  You need a t-shirt that says that.
  • Bree:  Stop giving us the reach around!
    Darg:  That's…that's "the run-around" honey.
  • JR:  But where did the evil iron come from?
    Brian:  Well, when a mommy evil iron and a daddy evil iron love each other very much…
    David:  And you just have to hope that the daddy evil iron didn't visit the ORE house!  HA!!!
  • JR:  Fuck the 18th century dutch!
    Wenona:  Yes!  So moved!
    David:  I'm not in to necrophilia
    Wenona:  I'm sure modern dutch are very nice, tulip-fondling people.
  • David:  Brian, use your breasts!
    Brian:  No, see, I'm rolling Bluff, I have to lie – the breasts don't lie, they really are this fine.
  • Brian:  What was the name of the ship that saw the Mean Drifter?
    JR:  The…Maid Upname, and her captain That Guy.
  • JR:  Terciel's coat of arms is LanceArmstring rampant, scissor kicking Angela Landsbury.
  • Cory:  Do priests in 4th ed. have some sort of Detect Evil or toherwise Detect Fuckery spell?
    Erica:  I need a detect Fuckery spell
    JR:  Honey, it's right upstairs.  And when it's not upstairs, I've got it…right here.
  • Bree:  I'm going to go ahead and pitch them the carrot end of this deal.
    JR:  Bree is a girl, so pitching the carrot end ofanything will require a Bluff check
    Jenny:  No, it will require an actual carrot.
  • JR:  Roughly translated, that's "Your mother's mouth parts touch anatomical anomolies on the plane of elemental cold!"
  • JR:  You guys see a few kobolds, but you're pretty bad ass so it's no problem.
    Bree:  and I'm riding on a Bad Ass!
    Jenny:  I think that's more of a naughty donkey.  Oh, that's gotta be a sexual position!
  • Jenny:  I'm going to…NOT rip organs out of dead things.
  • JR:  Is an owlbear poultry?
  • Bree:  Loggers have the best pancakes
    Thea: Is that what we're calling it today?
    David:  No, those are flapjacks.
  • Thea:  I think caring about your phallic-symbol weapon is a gender-neutral concern.
    Jenny: Wouldn't a sword be a pahllic symbol weapon, not an axe?
    Wenona:  The axe is a double headed penis, like in Japaneese porn.
  • David:  Oh, the scarves are tentacles, that's so cute!
  • Erica:  Who spun the squid?!
  • Cory:  You can convert a move to a minor?
    JR:  Yeah, you can always downgrade – standard to a move, move to a minor
    Jenny:  Or you can do three minors…and then go to jail.
  • JR:  Monsters only ever get one encounter.
    Jenny:  That's not true!  Tarin got, like, 8 encounters.  Four of which we killed him in!
  • Brian (re: the giant kraken):  No, she doesn't sink, Calamari Damaci here doesn't have her wrapped up anymore.
Jenny's 1-2-3 Off!
  • Noah:  I wave at him while I'm dragging corpses away.
    Jenny:  Whose hand are you using?
  • Noah:  I swipe the gnome's card
    Jenny:  You swipe the GNOME thru the warforged!
  • Jenny:  His name is Bernard Fipwagon.  It's actually pronounced FP!wagon.  He's a gnome.
    Brian:  Is that with an F or a Ph?
  • Jenny:  You'll want ot cross reference wiht the Exposition Quarterly.
  • Erica:  OK, I should have asked this earlier, but arewe looking for the Argonessen Difference Engine, or the Argoness Indifference Engine?
  • David:  Wow, what are the odds tha a shield that only works against critical hits would come in handy?!
    JR:  Um, about 1 in 20…
  • Wenona:  I'm still immobilized
    Noah:  but you can still do minors
    JR:  Ding!
  • Jenny:  He transforms into a gigantic snake.
    Noah: is he still wearing pants?
    Jenny:  Yes, they're magic pants.
    Noah:  So…he's a trouser snake?
  • Noah:  Trouser Snakes have notoriously low willpower.
  • Erica:  So Mr. Burke is prone, restrained, and hurt?
    Wenona:  You need a safeword, Mr. Burke.
  • David: Most.  Phallic.  Campaign.  Ever.

Back To Baerston!
  • Lenora: Bree, open the boxes, please?
    Terciel:  Wait, are they trapped?
    Bree: That would have been good to check.
    (several rolls later)
    JR: You detect no traps.  Wow, it's been a while since I've said that.
    (Bree tries the lock)
    JR: Bree hears a clicking sound.  It's a trap!
  • Jenny: We're being herded.
    Noah: by cats!
  • Wenona: Can I roll perseption to see if the Displacer Beast is really just a statue now?
    JR: Yes.
    Wenona:  I roll a 2.
    JR:  It's a kitty!  A statue of a kitty.
    Jenny: I knew one of these days it would actually be a kitty.
    Wenona: But I rolled a 2.  Am I wrong?
    JR:  No, it's just that it's actually a statue of a kitty.  It's not pretending.
  • Erica: Yes, all long Jenny's quarry thingy has translated into "Bad kitty!"
  • JR: so…last time there was that whole thing with tentacle panthers, yes?
  • Erica:  Lenora is against the halfling-tossing plan.
  • JR: I'm walking away from this conversation.
    Noah: Hey, look!  Another topic!
  • Erica:  Bree and the Winchester boys.  Weird gooey stuff?  Stick your finger in it!
    Jenny:  ding.
  • Jenny (in tiny Jenna Jameson voice): You should buy a whole CASE of beer!  And take it up the ass!
  • Bree: Jazz Mage Hands!
  • Jenny: Terciel is totally not surprised that Narmo Mornimarya has a book by Hitler.  Mine Kamphy Chair.
    Noah: Alternate universe Hitler where he's a furniture designer.
    Jenny: Yeah, he tried to kill all the furniture in Europe.
    Noah:  Not all of it, just the Ottomans.
  • JR: Rache, you've got a bag over your head, you're being kidnapped by someone who calls you "little mouse", and you're on top of a greenhouse.
    Noah:  So, it's Tuesday.

  • Thea: (pointing to a statue of the goddess of good fortune) That thing is bad luck!
    DM…uh…make a religion check

Baerstun Campaign Quotes

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